Wood Burning
by laneypenns
Summary: The Lumberzacks are steadily rising in fame. I'm sinking lower in my own mind. It's important to note that Max usually understands everything much, much better than I do. (Pre-Series)


I don't think Max has ever really listened to me, but I can't be sure. His comprehension of what I'm saying seems to be even better than my own at times. I don't think that makes sense, but I've been doubting myself a lot recently.

I'm not sure what I mean by that… I think I've lost a lot of myself in this gig. It seemed fun at first.

"I'm glad we're all still having fun." I don't think I'm easily persuaded, so the fact that when Max says that it seems true must mean my sentiment behind the thought was what he said. I don't know if I'd say we're still having fun, though. It always feels embarrassing to perform nowadays.

I'm being irrational.

Of course we're still having fun - I watch the videos being taken of us performing and look at the pictures my mom takes of us hanging out at parties. We look like we're having fun.

We _are_ having fun.

I'm not relieved to leave the band when I move. Max tells me about how he'll pray for me and the hardships I'm going to face in my new town. He tells me about how much my nerves are wracked to be in a new place. He tells me how much I miss him and the band already.

Well, I sound like I'm doubting him… He's my best friend - or so he told me - so I shouldn't think he can be wrong.

Or, you know, so he told me.

It's not like I'm delusional - Well, maybe I am just a bit. Max said before when I said I didn't think we should change the band name or our own names that he had never brought anything like that up, even though I thought I could remember him talking to me about it so clearly. He shook his head and waved a hand and said, "No, Zack, don't be silly - I've never said anything like that. It might've been, like, a weird dream."

It didn't feel like a dream, but I digress.

"I think we should take a break from band stuff for a while. My parents think I should work on studying for my final exams instead of practicing every weekend."

"Right, Captain, I hear you loud and clear - We _should_ write a new song. "

"Not really, no." He raised an eyebrow at me like I was being weird, or something. I start to pick at a patch of dry skin on my wrist nervously. "I mean, that's not what I said at all -"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk… Zack, you need to learn to communicate more clearly. What _do_ you mean?"

I do need to learn to communicate more clearly. That's been a goal of mine ever since I first started hanging out with Max.

And what do I mean? Max already told me, but I still don't think he's right at all. Didn't I say the exact opposite of what he offered? Or am I really crazy?

Lyle, Sean, and Melvin seem to think the latter. _Everyone_ seems to think the latter. Does that make sense to me? I can't imagine that I'm just imagining things, but imagining that I'm imagining things is the only way that I can imagine that there's something wrong with me. If I _am_ crazy, then the truth wouldn't make sense to me, right? I feel like Max has said something about that before. That would make sense. I can imagine that making sense.

"Zack, you have no imagination. What _I_ think is we should write a song about a girl who reminds us of the great outdoors." That's how he turned down my pitch for a song about our muse reminding us of the great outdoors - Am I really just always speaking nonsense?

I try not to talk to anyone much now, really. At school I simply avoid making friends, which is easy enough. At home, mom and dad let me answer their questions with brief yeses or nos. My mom seems worried sometimes, and my dad doesn't really hold any conversations with me anymore.

Or am I the one not holding the conversations? Thinking about it all is irritating.

I try to think back to when I used to genuinely think this band thing was fun, when I thought for myself. I feel guilty for wording it that way in my head - It's not like Max is wrong. I'm just trying to figure out when I went crazy.

I don't think I was just always like this. The people around me used to understand what I would say, but Max started pointing out that I didn't talk normally, then Sean and Melvin and Lyle agreed… And then it was just true.

I've been saying, "I don't remember, exactly, but -" before explaining something I know must've happened lately. I only know that it actually did happen when Max says, "Yeah, I remember that."

Max is basically the only person I know who knows how to keep me from falling into delusion.

I keep pinching myself. I'm not sure if that helps me know whether what's happening is real or not.

It feels better than crying when I'm scared.

I have to admit it: The fact that I'm going crazy terrifies me. Especially since I'm going to be moving away from Max, who's my only stake in the ground. Max is the one who tells me when I'm making things up.

I'm going to go absolutely insane without knowing.


End file.
